Struggling

I am struggling today. Feeling like I gave up on doing the hard work. Feeling like I passed Greta on for someone else to deal with. Feeling full of guilt, remorse and sadness. Feeling like I failed.

It’s not rational, I know that. Yet there it is, staring me in the face and not backing down no matter how unreasonable it is.

Today is just one of those days when the grief slammed into me from behind like a rogue wave, knocked me ass over teakettle, and spit me out on the beach with my ears and hair full of sand.

After all these years, I still grieve the loss of a “normal” family. Greta doesn’t deserve to have PWS. Our family doesn’t deserve it. If I could kill the beast that is PWS, I swear I would do it with my bare hands. I am mad. I am remorseful. I am sad. I am tired. “Simple” emotions, but when they swirl together in a perfect storm it is ugly.

And when I’m in this state of feeling vulnerable and isolated, all sorts of other negative self-talk begins to rain down on me, too.

The wave will pass. I will get up and brush myself off. Again. My spirit will rally and I will be able to focus on all the positives again. Just not today. Today, I am struggling.