The Sibling Side of Things

Ren (they/them) has a big sister who loves them very much. A sister who comforts them when they're sad or hurt. A sister who likes to hold their hand and sit beside them in the car. A sister who's excited to see them every weekend. All the photos in this post show that part of their relationship.

Ren's big sister is also typically very inflexible, impatient and easily frustrated. When the kids were younger, Greta was a sister who often grabbed the food right off Ren's plate. A sister who sometimes pulled Ren's hair or hit them. A sister who would take off her seatbelt and attack Ren while we were driving, and I’d have to pull over on the side of the road and climb in the back seat to help them. (Then there was the matter of figuring out how to drive back home.) A sister who could explode and throw big, heavy things; kick our dogs; break furniture and put holes in walls.

There’s more… Ren’s big sister also required an inordinate amount of attention, support and time. Parenting Greta demanded intense and sustained focus. In fact, family life was pretty much determined by Greta’s needs or current state of mind. From simple things like eating dinner together at the kitchen table or Ren having friends over to bigger endeavours like family vacations, if Greta became overwhelmed, it was game over.

There’s more… add to that a mum and dad who were both struggling with depression, constantly exhausted, not getting along and couldn’t (or wouldn’t) stop arguing.

All this culminates in one troubling, undeniable fact: for Ren, sometimes there was no safe place at home. That is difficult for me to say, and I carry a lot of guilt. Now at almost 16 years old, they struggle to process and deal with the trauma they endured, which breaks my heart. Thankfully, Ren is also one of the most tolerant, tuned-in to others, sensitive, cheeky, intelligent, and forgiving people I know.

As you can see from the photos, there were plenty of times when Greta and Ren played and laughed together; times when they got along famously. But it is important to honour and acknowledge the more challenging side of raising a child with complex special needs and the profound impact — both positive and negative — it can have on siblings.